Just for fun to end this resource, here are a collection of real estate jokes, one-liners, and humorous anecdotes!
Real Estate One Liners
- This country is great. It’s the only place where you can borrow money for a down payment, get a 1st and 2nd mortgage and call yourself a homeowner.
- Sign next to FSBO: We shoot every third agent and the 2nd one just left.
- My realtor sold me a two story house- one story before the sale, another after.
- This house is 5 minutes from shopping … if you have an airplane.
- Home sickness is what you feel every month when the mortgage is due.
- If you want to know exactly where the property line is, just watch the neighbor cut the grass.
- Realtor sign–We have “lots” to be thankful for.
- The dream of the older generation was to pay off a mortgage. The dream of today’s young families is to get one.
- If you owe the bank $100, that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.
- They have an all-electric home. Everything in it has been charged.
- “I found happiness in my own back yard, but my neighbor claims it is on his side of the property line.”
- Real Estate Agent Ad: “If we don’t sell your house within two weeks, we will gladly refund every cent you have not paid us yet.”
Real Estate Jokes
Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: “Help me, ladies! I am a real estate broker who, through a curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!”
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman said, “Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into a real estate broker!”
The second woman replied, “Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a real estate broker!”
A broker was dismayed when a brand new real estate office much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘BEST AGENTS.’
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘LOWEST COMMISSIONS.’
The broker panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own real estate office. It read: ‘MAIN ENTRANCE’
A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”.
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new home”.
A big, burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
“Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.”
“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife. “May I ask who you are?”
They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”
The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”
Bill and Barbara went out for dinner to celebrate their 50th anniversary. After a couple of glasses of wine, Bill asks Barbara, “have you ever cheated during our marriage?”
“No, of course not.”
“If you had, it’s okay” said Bill, “I just wanted to know.”
“Well” said Barbara “remember way back 28 years ago when you thought you would get laid off from that development company you were working for?”
“Yes, I remember and I was sure glad they kept me on.”
“Well….I paid a little visit to your boss and, if you remember, everyone got laid off but you.”
“Yes, I did, but it was for you!”
“Well….okay, but were there any others?”
“Well…..do you remember 10 years ago when you needed heart bypass surgery and the only qualified surgeon in the area, Dr. Anderson, was completely booked and wouldn’t take you?”
“So.. .I talked him into taking you.”
“You mean you…”
“It saved your life!”
“Okay, I guess I can see that, but… .were there any others?”
“No, no, no.”
“Are you sure?”
“What, what, what?!?!”
“Well……do you remember when you were running for president of the local chapter of the Real Estate Board…..and you were only 27 votes short.”
The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he’d been putting off for weeks.
He’d cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, “Say, what do you charge for yard work?”
The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, “The lady who lives here, lets me sleep with her.”
A very successful real estate broker had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my real estate office. All you have to do is go to the office every day and learn the business.”
The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate offices. I can’t stand agents.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work from home and take charge of the paperwork.”
“I hate paperwork,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of my real estate office, but you don’t like offices and won’t work from home. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”
WHEN A real-estate agency hadn’t sold our house, we decided to do it ourselves. I placed ads in the local papers, spray painted a “For Sale” message on a sign board and posted it outside.
When my husband came home that evening, he told me, laughing, that my sign was the most truthful one he had ever seen. Confused, I rushed outside to take a look. In my haste I had printed – “For Sale by Ower.”
“I have to have a raise in my commission,” the agent said to his manager. “There are three other companies after me.”
“Is that so?” asked the manager. “What other companies are after you?”
“The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.”
An agent who was being paid by the week approached his office manager and held up his last paycheck.
‘This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,’ he said.
‘I know,’ the manager said. ‘But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.’
‘Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake,’ the agent answered, ‘but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.’
A crusty old man walks into a real estate office and says to an female agent,
“I want to sell my G-d damn house.”
To which the astonished female agent replies, “I beg your pardon,
sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to sell my fucking house!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this office.”
So saying, the agent goes over to the officer broker to tell him about her situation. They both return and the broker asks the old geezer, “What seems to be the problem here?”
“There’s no damn problem,” the man says, “I want to sell my fucking million dollar home.”
“I see,” says the manager, “and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. First person he see he asks, “Excuse me? What’s your IQ?”
The person replies, “280”.
Einstein says, “Great! We can talk about astro physics!”
Second person he runs into, he asks the same question, “What’s your IQ?”
The person replies, “150.”
“Great!” says Einstein, “We can talk about events of the day!”
Third person he sees, he once again asks about their IQ.
This time the person says, “45!”
Einstein says, “Great! Where do you think the real estate market is headed??!!”
A real estate agent was knocking on doors of homes in his farm area. At one house it was clear that someone was at home, but his repeated knocks at the door went unanswered. So, he took out one of his business cards and scribbled “Revelation 3:20” on the back of it, stuck it in the door, and went about his rounds.
When he got back to the office the next day, the receptionist gave him a business card. It was his own, and he recognised the “Revelation 3:20” he wrote the day before. In a very neat handwriting, a cryptic message was added: “Genesis 3:10”.
Later, when checking the Bible verse, he couldn’t help but break into gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.”
Genesis 3:10 reads: “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.”
Q: What room in your house is a mummy afraid of?
A: The living room!
A blonde realtor walks into an appliance store and says, “I would like to buy that T.V. please.”
The store clerk replies, “I’m sorry, we don’t do business with blondes -especially Realtors.”
So she went to her car, took off her real estate blazer and went back into the store. “I would like to buy that T.V. please.”
The store clerk again replies, “I’m sorry, we don’t do business with blondes.”
The blonde leaves the store. Then she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said, “I would like to buy that T.V. please.”
The store clerk, once again, replies, ” Sorry, but I told you before. We don’t do business with blondes.”
The blonde replied “How did you know I was blonde?”
The clerk says “Because that’s a microwave, not a T.V.”
Vartanik and his three friends are telling stories in a bar. Vartanik leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left.
The first guy says, “I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership, but they made him a salesman, In fact, he’s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday.
The second guy says, “I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor, they made him a commissioned salesman. By the way, he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday.”
The third guy says, “Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he’s so rich now that he just gave his best friend a million in stock for his birthday.”
Vartanik comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, “Well, I’m embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he’s gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side. His boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday.”
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment ‘RENT FOR APARTMENT.’
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment,I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady!